I'm lost in life. like, i don't even know anymore and i don't know if i want to care anymore.
I've changed soooo much. Just reading back at some of my older posts makes me wonder, "who the hell is this guy?"
I"m easily influenced, or more like I easily go back to the person i was but even worse. idk.
It seems as if i can't fully concentrate on God. like, it's the hardest thing to do.
How can i change? I mean, do I really want to change? All the stuff i'm doing now, it's really fun. Temporary, instant gratification. Better than long term pain.
I can't do it alone. I need Him, but I also want another person alongside. Why can't i do this alone with HIm? Why can't i be mature enough.
This is dumb.
I want to give up.
What about my future?
I don't even know anymore.
There is no greater joy or blessing than to have a family of your own, but am I a guy suitable for that? lol.
Will I change?
I don't know.
There are plenty of times where I felt empty, but it wasn't something any other person could help me fix. Usually God will help me out of my problems and there are other times where talking to a significant other could easily relieve my stress due to the situation. But now, this emptiness I feel, I feel like no man can help me satisfy this emptiness. I only know He can help me, but everytime i try, I fall into the same hole, but even deeper.
I'm becoming more cold hearted.
cold heart.
alkdsfjlaksdjflkjadsf
lol damn i feel like writing only made this worse. what the hell mang.
someone help me.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Difference
#242 - What a Difference a Day Makes
The prompt this week is inspired by the difference between how I felt yesterday (at work) and how I feel today (on holiday!) But I know that you can go deeper than that! The prompt is: what a difference a day makes.
I can't believe this lil' nugget is on holiday already. Same to all you Californians on budget cuts. I'm proud to say that while you're watching TV eating mickey Ds, I'm in the classroom getting what I paid for.
*sniffle*
um.
I'm sure I understand, but I have no idea where to start...
So yesterday, North Korea decided to have some target practice with a South Korean island by shooting artillery rounds for about an hour. When I heard, I called up my mom to tell her about it and she responded that it isn't a biggie. I was like, "mom, they just shot dozens of bullets the size of me onto SK territory," and she just derailed asked me why I was up so late (-.-). But she's right, the tensions didn't really escalate, and it isn't unusual for NK to just randomly aggravate SK by using whatever weapons they use. SK simply held an emergency talk with it northern half and I'm sure by now everything would be settled. Hopefully...
So I don't know how much of a difference in tension between the two changed in the past 24 hours, but I don't think it escalated too much, but I'm sure it isn't the last of Northern aggravation.
....
WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THIS PROMPT, WHAT IS THERE TO WRITE ABOUT?!
alksdjflkajdls;fkjads;lkfad
afghan kahzi abduhllah jabar taliban... i don't know, I felt like writing that explosion of random middle eastern terms because it's what i thought of when I rolled my face over the keyboard on the previous line. Not really on the rolling over the keyboard, but whatever. (HAHA, explosion of random middle eastern, get it?... i didn't get that till after i typed it. okay, not funny). Sigh, I wonder if things like this ever come up in a search engine that the government uses.
SIR! we found a cross reference for "taliban" and "north korea."
i KNEW it! bring it up.
Sir, it seems to be written by a UTD student.
Call up local officials immediately and bag 'em.
sir!
sigh. i give up.
fact: If you throw random items of clothing onto the floor in my house, the only difference in your next 24 hours is that you're not going to live to see the next 24 hours.
The prompt this week is inspired by the difference between how I felt yesterday (at work) and how I feel today (on holiday!) But I know that you can go deeper than that! The prompt is: what a difference a day makes.
I can't believe this lil' nugget is on holiday already. Same to all you Californians on budget cuts. I'm proud to say that while you're watching TV eating mickey Ds, I'm in the classroom getting what I paid for.
*sniffle*
um.
I'm sure I understand, but I have no idea where to start...
So yesterday, North Korea decided to have some target practice with a South Korean island by shooting artillery rounds for about an hour. When I heard, I called up my mom to tell her about it and she responded that it isn't a biggie. I was like, "mom, they just shot dozens of bullets the size of me onto SK territory," and she just derailed asked me why I was up so late (-.-). But she's right, the tensions didn't really escalate, and it isn't unusual for NK to just randomly aggravate SK by using whatever weapons they use. SK simply held an emergency talk with it northern half and I'm sure by now everything would be settled. Hopefully...
So I don't know how much of a difference in tension between the two changed in the past 24 hours, but I don't think it escalated too much, but I'm sure it isn't the last of Northern aggravation.
....
WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THIS PROMPT, WHAT IS THERE TO WRITE ABOUT?!
alksdjflkajdls;fkjads;lkfad
afghan kahzi abduhllah jabar taliban... i don't know, I felt like writing that explosion of random middle eastern terms because it's what i thought of when I rolled my face over the keyboard on the previous line. Not really on the rolling over the keyboard, but whatever. (HAHA, explosion of random middle eastern, get it?... i didn't get that till after i typed it. okay, not funny). Sigh, I wonder if things like this ever come up in a search engine that the government uses.
SIR! we found a cross reference for "taliban" and "north korea."
i KNEW it! bring it up.
Sir, it seems to be written by a UTD student.
Call up local officials immediately and bag 'em.
sir!
sigh. i give up.
fact: If you throw random items of clothing onto the floor in my house, the only difference in your next 24 hours is that you're not going to live to see the next 24 hours.
Monday, November 22, 2010
PUBLIC
hahaha, oh dear. Reading my older posts are so embarrassing -.-. But i'M GOING PUBLIC.
note: i've changed a lot in the past 6, 7 months or so, so.....yeah
fact about me:
星晴 is my favorite jay chou song
note: i've changed a lot in the past 6, 7 months or so, so.....yeah
fact about me:
星晴 is my favorite jay chou song
C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER
After the prayer meeting today, I had one of those "What's life?" moments and I felt incredibly reluctant to go back to the apartment for no reason. So instead, I went to all the way to West Plano, my prior hole in the wall, to just "think." And I figured as a person who doesn't have an immediate "someone" to just talk to about stuffs, I wanted to find a place where I can go and just let my worries worry themselves away, kind of like those cliche movie scenes where a love introduces his/her lover to this "institution" where he/she can be free and not have a worry on her mind. Yeah, I found some place kind of like that.
This place is very specific in terms of location, but in general it's in a quite high class neighborhood and not too far from an outdoor shopping area, which is kind of like Irvine Spectrum in Irvine, CA, but rather it's more dining and less shopping. That area is more targeted to couples rather than a girlfriend shopping session, and it definitely exceeds quota in terms of a "romantic" night. Perimeter-ing that shopping area are blocks of very high class residential apartments and townhouses and right smack dab center of it all lies a big pond with a fountain in the middle. And on one particular side of the pond, if you sit down on one of the benches you can see the bright lights of the dining district (since it's the season, they placed a lit HUMUNGO christmas tree there and wrapped every tree with bright christmas lights within that district but not around the trees around the pond). However, the distance from that particular side to the dining district is just enough so that's it's ridiculously peaceful and calm.
As I sat on one of the bench-chairs I was pretty distressed to see that there weren't that many stars in the sky due to the heavy industrialization of the area. So if i were to bring a date or something (lol, -.-), we wouldn't be able to make imaginary formations with the stars, but instead, I came up with another game. "Find that star!" HAHA, although there aren't that many stars, there are enough for it to be a beautiful. So, as I sat there pretending there to be someone special right next to me finding whatever stars there are, the muscles around my mouth started to take form of what one would know as a smile. It was amazing because I smiled not because there is a picture being taken nor was it because of some video on youtube, but just for the sake of smiling, i smiled. All I could think about was how awesome it would be for someone else to experience the same thing I did; oh, how lucky she would be! (You're thinking: LOL, you're and idiot if you think someone's lucky to be with you. Yeah, iknorite?). And as people walked by looking at me like I was a lunatic, I realized that I can't come here often. Or more like i shouldn't because it's too precious to be seen every now and then. It's not something that I want to wake up in the morning and realize that I dont think it's something special anymore. I don't want to take it for granted. And as I pondered more about it, i realized that the idea is somewhat correspondant to having a wife. Sooner or later, a husband will wake up one day and take "seeing his wife's face" for granted. It's almost inevitable. And I don't want that; I want to take every opportunity that I see that smile as a very precious moment. That's why, I might if it doesn't deteriorate the relationship, for a portion of my marriage life, choose a career that has frequent and long business trips, so that when I come home, I'll come home with a big ol' botox-like smile that I can't control.
Sigh, I do realize that I'm on a low point in my spiritual life since i'm infatuated with all these ideas. I've been avoiding God because of all the things around me; It's too easy to have other things, like this, to be option number one. I have yet to submerge myself fully in the word of God and it's hard when I'm listening to jay chou and kid cudi back to back. :/
note: c-c-c-combo breaker is an internet meme that means "breaking a particular pattern"
in this case, i haven't been writing based on a prompt for the past few posts. but whatevers, today i felt compelled to write and i wish to read this one day in the future.
This place is very specific in terms of location, but in general it's in a quite high class neighborhood and not too far from an outdoor shopping area, which is kind of like Irvine Spectrum in Irvine, CA, but rather it's more dining and less shopping. That area is more targeted to couples rather than a girlfriend shopping session, and it definitely exceeds quota in terms of a "romantic" night. Perimeter-ing that shopping area are blocks of very high class residential apartments and townhouses and right smack dab center of it all lies a big pond with a fountain in the middle. And on one particular side of the pond, if you sit down on one of the benches you can see the bright lights of the dining district (since it's the season, they placed a lit HUMUNGO christmas tree there and wrapped every tree with bright christmas lights within that district but not around the trees around the pond). However, the distance from that particular side to the dining district is just enough so that's it's ridiculously peaceful and calm.
As I sat on one of the bench-chairs I was pretty distressed to see that there weren't that many stars in the sky due to the heavy industrialization of the area. So if i were to bring a date or something (lol, -.-), we wouldn't be able to make imaginary formations with the stars, but instead, I came up with another game. "Find that star!" HAHA, although there aren't that many stars, there are enough for it to be a beautiful. So, as I sat there pretending there to be someone special right next to me finding whatever stars there are, the muscles around my mouth started to take form of what one would know as a smile. It was amazing because I smiled not because there is a picture being taken nor was it because of some video on youtube, but just for the sake of smiling, i smiled. All I could think about was how awesome it would be for someone else to experience the same thing I did; oh, how lucky she would be! (You're thinking: LOL, you're and idiot if you think someone's lucky to be with you. Yeah, iknorite?). And as people walked by looking at me like I was a lunatic, I realized that I can't come here often. Or more like i shouldn't because it's too precious to be seen every now and then. It's not something that I want to wake up in the morning and realize that I dont think it's something special anymore. I don't want to take it for granted. And as I pondered more about it, i realized that the idea is somewhat correspondant to having a wife. Sooner or later, a husband will wake up one day and take "seeing his wife's face" for granted. It's almost inevitable. And I don't want that; I want to take every opportunity that I see that smile as a very precious moment. That's why, I might if it doesn't deteriorate the relationship, for a portion of my marriage life, choose a career that has frequent and long business trips, so that when I come home, I'll come home with a big ol' botox-like smile that I can't control.
Sigh, I do realize that I'm on a low point in my spiritual life since i'm infatuated with all these ideas. I've been avoiding God because of all the things around me; It's too easy to have other things, like this, to be option number one. I have yet to submerge myself fully in the word of God and it's hard when I'm listening to jay chou and kid cudi back to back. :/
note: c-c-c-combo breaker is an internet meme that means "breaking a particular pattern"
in this case, i haven't been writing based on a prompt for the past few posts. but whatevers, today i felt compelled to write and i wish to read this one day in the future.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Rebel Post: Nostalgia
Tonight was quite interesting and I'd like to share to my only reader and to my future self of what happened. I'm actually breaking my systematic habit of answering random prompts for each blog, but I think it's necessary and maybe in the future I'll be once again compelled to make another rebel post. w/e.
Yesterday, I had to fill out a survey asking about how much stress was part of my life, and although I already knew how tiny stress was in my life prior to the questionnaire, I found out that I do get sad and mopey only when I recollect my childhood memories. Oh, Nostalgia.
First off, I don't understand.
I don't understand how people purposely stress themselves out and somehow get depressed over academics. I don't understand why the only reason high school students want to get better grades is to get into a decent college, and for college students it's to get that six figure yielding job. Isn't it just more than that? Like, once you're there, then what?
Maybe it's just me. I'm just probably a really carefree, happy-go-lucky sort of guy, but I really think that everything should be towards God first and then your family. I mean if you know that you want to help out with God's work in the future and that you might want to have your own little family one day, surely, you wouldn't want to be deteriorating your health by pulling an all-nighter after another studying for an exam.
I dunno. :[ , I just get really uncomfortable when I hear other brothers and sisters complaining about how much school work they have and then see who had to pull the most "all-nighters" from the past week and just basically dumping everything from the academia world on Sabbath. I just don't understand. Can we have something more meaningful to talk about?
Well, there goes my little rant -.-
Well, anyways, the reason why I shared the former paragraph is because I went to go watch a movie with a roommate called The Social Network tonight. Basically, it's about this programming/hacking/networking genius who started this social experiment which we know today as Facebook, and it really inspired me to manage my schoolwork better and maybe hopefully be on top of my game when it comes to academics. However, as I thought more and more about it, I asked myself, "Why do I want to study harder and get better grades and graduate with a good degree and early?" Automatically I knew my answer: My future family. Then I asked myself "Then why am I already screwing up in school already? Shouldn't I be better with my study skills?" I'll admit; I'm already doing terrible in school and failed to realize, or maybe just out of lack of motivation, that I needed to do this for my future family and for God.
It was a good wake up call I guess.
Then when I came back home, I realized I left something at the theaters, so I drove another 20 minutes back to West Plano to grab it. However, on the way I passed by Souper Salad, where my mother and I would ALWAYS go to when we wanted to go out and eat, and my high school, Plano West. Only a couple of months ago and 20 minutes away from the location and I already feel so distant to those memories. I remembered my mother and I handing out church flyers to the waitress because she was Chinese (lol -.-), and I remembered having my first high school swim meet at the TMC and dominated everyone at that meet (...and then i sucked) , and I remembered going up and down Ohio, which I passed by, to go to church with my mother every Saturday morning, and just all these emotions and memories were just filling in my heart that I started to cry. I didn't cry because I felt lonely or distressed. I cried, I think, simply because I missed those days.
I remembered something like this happened when I first moved here to Dallas. Like, I remember that on one of the first couple of nights when I first moved, I started crying like mad.
I felt lonely. I felt depressed. It sucked being away from all my friends that I knew. I missed my younger days and wished I could just go back and be carefree once again. I wanted something to fill the void, more like, a person whom I can talk to about my problems and to love and be loved by that person. I knew that it should be God and only Him. I knew that…but I gave into my youthful lusts and had my first relationship. I’ll admit, I felt completely ecstatic and happy about the relationship during the first year or two, but inevitably that void of loneliness came once again.
However, now that I have God, I think that void has been filled and that my childhood moments are a blessing from Him and all I can do now is ‘miss’ them.
Then on the drive back from the theatre to Richardson, I started to listen to this 90s Japanese dance/pop song that my brother ALWAYS played when I was younger, (normally, I don’t listen to pop music, I even deleted all the secular music off my computer, but since the HD on the navi had it, for the sake of nostalgia, I started to listen to it) and it made me think about all the things associated with that song. I remembered that every time I heard that song, I was playing pokemon. Every time! Also, I remembered during that time that I was praying to God for Him to turn the world that I live in, that we all live in, into a pokemon world. And when that didn’t work out I prayed to God for at least a little Pikachu companion or something. Haha :p That was the first thing ever in my life that I legit-ly prayed about.
Sigh….good times :]
I think that’s all for tonight. Next time I’ll share about….how I got to be where I am today…yeah….okay…
I miss the 90s.
Yesterday, I had to fill out a survey asking about how much stress was part of my life, and although I already knew how tiny stress was in my life prior to the questionnaire, I found out that I do get sad and mopey only when I recollect my childhood memories. Oh, Nostalgia.
First off, I don't understand.
I don't understand how people purposely stress themselves out and somehow get depressed over academics. I don't understand why the only reason high school students want to get better grades is to get into a decent college, and for college students it's to get that six figure yielding job. Isn't it just more than that? Like, once you're there, then what?
Maybe it's just me. I'm just probably a really carefree, happy-go-lucky sort of guy, but I really think that everything should be towards God first and then your family. I mean if you know that you want to help out with God's work in the future and that you might want to have your own little family one day, surely, you wouldn't want to be deteriorating your health by pulling an all-nighter after another studying for an exam.
I dunno. :[ , I just get really uncomfortable when I hear other brothers and sisters complaining about how much school work they have and then see who had to pull the most "all-nighters" from the past week and just basically dumping everything from the academia world on Sabbath. I just don't understand. Can we have something more meaningful to talk about?
Well, there goes my little rant -.-
Well, anyways, the reason why I shared the former paragraph is because I went to go watch a movie with a roommate called The Social Network tonight. Basically, it's about this programming/hacking/networking genius who started this social experiment which we know today as Facebook, and it really inspired me to manage my schoolwork better and maybe hopefully be on top of my game when it comes to academics. However, as I thought more and more about it, I asked myself, "Why do I want to study harder and get better grades and graduate with a good degree and early?" Automatically I knew my answer: My future family. Then I asked myself "Then why am I already screwing up in school already? Shouldn't I be better with my study skills?" I'll admit; I'm already doing terrible in school and failed to realize, or maybe just out of lack of motivation, that I needed to do this for my future family and for God.
It was a good wake up call I guess.
Then when I came back home, I realized I left something at the theaters, so I drove another 20 minutes back to West Plano to grab it. However, on the way I passed by Souper Salad, where my mother and I would ALWAYS go to when we wanted to go out and eat, and my high school, Plano West. Only a couple of months ago and 20 minutes away from the location and I already feel so distant to those memories. I remembered my mother and I handing out church flyers to the waitress because she was Chinese (lol -.-), and I remembered having my first high school swim meet at the TMC and dominated everyone at that meet (...and then i sucked) , and I remembered going up and down Ohio, which I passed by, to go to church with my mother every Saturday morning, and just all these emotions and memories were just filling in my heart that I started to cry. I didn't cry because I felt lonely or distressed. I cried, I think, simply because I missed those days.
I remembered something like this happened when I first moved here to Dallas. Like, I remember that on one of the first couple of nights when I first moved, I started crying like mad.
I felt lonely. I felt depressed. It sucked being away from all my friends that I knew. I missed my younger days and wished I could just go back and be carefree once again. I wanted something to fill the void, more like, a person whom I can talk to about my problems and to love and be loved by that person. I knew that it should be God and only Him. I knew that…but I gave into my youthful lusts and had my first relationship. I’ll admit, I felt completely ecstatic and happy about the relationship during the first year or two, but inevitably that void of loneliness came once again.
However, now that I have God, I think that void has been filled and that my childhood moments are a blessing from Him and all I can do now is ‘miss’ them.
Then on the drive back from the theatre to Richardson, I started to listen to this 90s Japanese dance/pop song that my brother ALWAYS played when I was younger, (normally, I don’t listen to pop music, I even deleted all the secular music off my computer, but since the HD on the navi had it, for the sake of nostalgia, I started to listen to it) and it made me think about all the things associated with that song. I remembered that every time I heard that song, I was playing pokemon. Every time! Also, I remembered during that time that I was praying to God for Him to turn the world that I live in, that we all live in, into a pokemon world. And when that didn’t work out I prayed to God for at least a little Pikachu companion or something. Haha :p That was the first thing ever in my life that I legit-ly prayed about.
Sigh….good times :]
I think that’s all for tonight. Next time I’ll share about….how I got to be where I am today…yeah….okay…
I miss the 90s.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Wait.
"#231 - Wait
With tongue firmly in cheek again, I declare the prompt this week: Wait. To those of you for whom it is Monday already, I am sorry for the wait! My internet connection and I have spent the day in a fight. For the last little while there has only been one of us doing Sunday Scribblings, so it is much worse when I can't connect. I am sorry!"
-Sunday Scribblings.
I think i'm patient in terms of short term things like waiting on my mom to finish her meeting, or like waiting for my 6-7 year old swimmer to get something correctly after teaching them 12094823 times. Yeah, I don't think I get easily frustrated with that.
On the other hand, I don't like to wait for the long term things such as getting married or like taking care of a family.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to get married now; I want to have mini Frank and Francessca Changs right now. (I know, i'm a dork. But only God-willing of course). I just don't like the fact that I have to spend another 4-6 years in college and then try to build up some financial support for myself before getting to the point where I want to be.
I want a time machine.
Father, please help me to put those feelings aside for now.
I'm not married and my heart is already divided. -.-
Help me to be more patient and wait for that time to come and only if it is within your will.
I wish to serve you with all my heart. Can you not see?
I want to make most of my years now for you because all my life I didn't know you.
Please help me to stand firm.
Thank you J-Dawggg. (That's not blasphemy is it?...)
I dunno if i'd have the patience for that brat though.
With tongue firmly in cheek again, I declare the prompt this week: Wait. To those of you for whom it is Monday already, I am sorry for the wait! My internet connection and I have spent the day in a fight. For the last little while there has only been one of us doing Sunday Scribblings, so it is much worse when I can't connect. I am sorry!"
-Sunday Scribblings.
I think i'm patient in terms of short term things like waiting on my mom to finish her meeting, or like waiting for my 6-7 year old swimmer to get something correctly after teaching them 12094823 times. Yeah, I don't think I get easily frustrated with that.
On the other hand, I don't like to wait for the long term things such as getting married or like taking care of a family.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to get married now; I want to have mini Frank and Francessca Changs right now. (I know, i'm a dork. But only God-willing of course). I just don't like the fact that I have to spend another 4-6 years in college and then try to build up some financial support for myself before getting to the point where I want to be.
I want a time machine.
Father, please help me to put those feelings aside for now.
I'm not married and my heart is already divided. -.-
Help me to be more patient and wait for that time to come and only if it is within your will.
I wish to serve you with all my heart. Can you not see?
I want to make most of my years now for you because all my life I didn't know you.
Please help me to stand firm.
Thank you J-Dawggg. (That's not blasphemy is it?...)
I dunno if i'd have the patience for that brat though.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Domination.
My first act as King of the world would be...
Well, since I'm a King and not an elected official, I don't have to mind all the criticism or worrying about doing anything for the favor of the citizens; all opposing figures will just simply be annihilated. However, I don't want much: just only a complete renovation of the world's land layout. Not much.
It would be called Operation Frankination.
First, I would get a couple of scientists to retrieve Kryptonite from the planet Krypton and have it injected into the earth to create a new landmass. possibly a new continent, like they almost did in Superman. Then I'll have its layered with an exotic jungle, a grassy comfortable field sounds nice, and a Mediterranean-like beach. Yes, yes, it's not much.
Then my queen will also have her own little island, probably in the shape of a dumb looking cat, which will be used as a landfill.
Not much, I mean, It's ONLY a new continent.
Well, since I'm a King and not an elected official, I don't have to mind all the criticism or worrying about doing anything for the favor of the citizens; all opposing figures will just simply be annihilated. However, I don't want much: just only a complete renovation of the world's land layout. Not much.
It would be called Operation Frankination.
First, I would get a couple of scientists to retrieve Kryptonite from the planet Krypton and have it injected into the earth to create a new landmass. possibly a new continent, like they almost did in Superman. Then I'll have its layered with an exotic jungle, a grassy comfortable field sounds nice, and a Mediterranean-like beach. Yes, yes, it's not much.
Then my queen will also have her own little island, probably in the shape of a dumb looking cat, which will be used as a landfill.
Not much, I mean, It's ONLY a new continent.
idk, man, Operation Frankination seems pretty peaceful to me
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